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By Scott Sullivan

Editor

Where the

Wild Things Are

Bear sightings took a turn for the weird last week when a walker in nearby Walker flagged down police to report she’d seen one. On further investigation it turned out to be a statue.

You can’t be too vigilant. Otherwise, the loss of lives could be astronomical. More bears are hanging out near humans thanks to how we’ve destroyed their habitat. Plus, we leave tasty trash out, small pets and children.

When I see gardener’s buttocks, I call 911. The loss of kids’ innocence could … you’ve heard it. Real or ornaments, folks who display them should be arrested.

The aesthetic value of such desecrations cannot be understated. Bear statues, buttocks, bathtub madonnas … To this holy trinity I have added so many lawn jockeys, garden gnomes and stone geese I no longer need to mow. I gaze out my windows proudly as neighbors gather with tar and feathers.

Last week’s non-sighting occurred soon after another Walker women posted a video of an allegedly real bear, viewed more than 90,000 times on Facebook, in back of a shopping center. Police chased it through an apartment complex until it vanished into woods behind Ulta Beauty.

Nothing beats Facebook for credibility, even if all we are OMGing about is a statue. Look at Saugatuck’s killer sculpture with kids piled up underneath like Auschwitz.

Here’s another community risk to reduce: wild hogs. They’ve not spread to Michigan in large numbers yet. But southern states, per The Washington Post, are seeing hordes of these porkers “eviscerating crops, gobbling up endangered sea turtles and trampling archaeological sites in a rampage that shows no signs of letting up.”

There are now 6 million feral pigs in at least 39 states, says the U.S. Department of Agriculture, and they are “rapidly expanding.” They move in large groups and dig through soil with their snouts, leaving fields scarred and crops trampled. Wild swine kill livestock, reptiles and are resilient. They produce large litters and wield stout tusks to defend themselves against cougars.

You need to go full-boar on guns to hunt them. AR-15 rifles are not enough to put bullets through the hogs’ thick hides. That’s why Americans need assault weapons, argues William McNabb of Arkansas. “How else do I kill the 30 to 50 feral hogs that run into my yard within 3 to 4 minutes while my small kids play?” he asks.

He’s right; guns don’t kill people; people with guns kill people, not to mention wild pigs and pupils. All it takes is one, out of thousands of law-abiding AK-47 owners, to raze a school. People mistake bears for statues, why not boars for children?

Texas allows shooting hogs from the jump seats of helicopters. Want to relive “Apocalypse Now”? Texas is your chance.

“The horror … the horror” is in Michigan too. I popped into Ulta Beauty the other day for the latest on where the wild things are.

“Seen any bear?” I asked Madge the Owner.

“Not lately.”

“Hogs?”

“Before I’ve beautified them, or after?”

“I can’t take chances. The loss of my lawn decorations’ lives could …”

“That’s enough,” Madge said.

My neighbors must think so too. They’ve dispatched with the tar and feathers and introduced wild pigs to my lawn, believing my buttocks are even worse an invasive species.

What about cougars reported at Saugatuck Dunes State Park? Bringing hogs here to battle them could be more fun than Ultimate Fighting Championships. We love watching us beat ourselves up, so think cougars, hogs, bears … oh my!

We could also watch conservationists swap legal blows with landowners over sand. But most of us favor issues that are more concrete, like a bear statue.

Bears, boars, cougars, lawyers … We’re only safe when we die. Thinking they’re in the afterlife wearing halos while we’re issued pitchforks is too much for me to bear.