By Scott Sullivan
Flee to Fla.
‘Tis the season snowbirds fly to Florida, President Trump’s new home after claiming leaders in his native New York had treated him “very badly.”
Take Gov. Andrew Cuomo. “Good riddance,” he said. “It’s not like @realDonaldTrump paid taxes here anyway.”
The Orange Man is a perfect fit for the Orange State where sunshine laws — the natural kind — turn the heat on. Michiganders waste few opportunities to be idiots, but winters indoors hide much of it.
There, if you live by the tweet you die from it. The account @_FloridaMan shares 24/7 headlines assuring nincompoops of note are not overlooked.
Trump’s arrival wasn’t. “Florida Man,” read one, “Arrested at Mar-a-lago, Says He Came to Talk to Trump About ‘His $6.3 Trillion.’” “Florida Man,” read another, “Smashes 20 Car Windows, Says Trump Owes Him $1 Trillion.”
Among folks with inflated egos, you’d expect “Florida Man Steals 75 Pool Floats to Have Sex with Them.” Crooks say the darnedest things to police.
Pizza is a hot item.
- “Florida Man Who Threatened Family with Coldplay Lyrics Ends Standoff after SWAT Promises Him Pizza.”
- “Florida Man Arrested After Hitting Dad with Pizza Because He Was Mad He Helped Birth Him.”
Eating out otherwise offers eventful evenings.
- “Florida Man Accused Of Robbing Chinese Restaurant at Finger Point.”
- “Naked Florida Man Breaks Into Restaurant, Caught Eating Ramen, Playing Bongos.”
- “Florida Man Finds World War II Grenade, Tosses It in Trunk, Brings to Taco Bell.”
There are other culinary favorites.
- “Florida Man Claiming People Were ‘Eating His Brains’ Leads Police on Golf Course Chase.”
- “Florida Man Learns Hard Way He Stole Laxatives, Not Opioids.”
Don’t forget Ladies Night.
- “Florida Woman Drops Pants, Licks Man, Dances Naked in Waffle House Parking Lot.”
- “Florida Woman, 73, Scares off Naked Intruder ‘Gyrating in Lewd Manner’ by Taking out Dentures, Yelling ‘Grandma No Teeth!’”
- “Florida Woman Threatens Hair Salon with Machete, Poops in Patrol Car.”
With so many nudists, bigger the blade the better. To that end:
- “Florida Man Threatens to Cut off Buttocks with Machete over Potato Chips.”
- “Florida Man Threatens to Kill Man with Kindness,’ Uses Machete Named ‘Kindness.’”
But hiding drugs is an issue:
- “Florida Man Denies Syringes Found in Rectum Are His.”
- “Florida Man Tells Police Cocaine Found on Nose Not His.“
- “380-Pound Florida Man Hides Meth in Belly Button.”
- “Florida Man Spent Weeks in Jail for Heroin That Was Actually Detergent.” He came out with a clean record anyway.
Road trips are an adventure.
- “Florida Man Drives Stolen Car into Ditch, Has Diaper-Wearing Monkey Attached to Him.”
- “Florida Driver Finds Boa Constrictor in Car Engine.”
- “Florida Man, Woman Run Over By Patrol Car While Lying in Road to Watch Eclipse.”
God works in mysterious ways.
- “Florida Man Who Drove Ferrari Into Water Said, ‘Jesus Told Him To.’”
- “Florida Man Says He’s ‘Archangel Michael,’ Tries to Blow up 16 Government Vehicles.”
Then there’s the day-to-day stuff.
- “Florida Man Caught Exposing Himself in Walmart Pillow Aisle.”
- “Florida Man Beat, Pepper Sprayed Mom Because ‘She Was Narcissist.’”
- “Florida Man Threatens to Destroy Everyone with Army of Turtles.”
- ”Florida Man Throws Toilet Through School Board Building Window, Is Arrested Sitting on Another.”
- ”Former Mayor Smokes Crack, Eats Meth, Practices Medicine Without License, Fires on SWAT Team.”
I’m pleased Trump has found a home state where fellow leaders are locked and loaded to treat him better.
Snowbirds who plan to return to Saugatuck-Douglas again this spring, take note. We expect big things. Just make sure the opioids are real, or we’ll go all night.