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By Scott Sullivan

Editor

Threats Everywhere

Who knew rats eat cars? Even now I am curled in a fetal position from fear of coronavirus, the news hit like a ton of feathers: rodents nestle in cars during cold months, gnaw on wires, blow fuses, start fires … even total vehicles as they munch.

The Washington Post reports rats set a sedan ablaze in Manhattan last fall and mutilated college students’ cars in Florida. In recent years rats and other vermin like lawyers caused a half-dozen class action lawsuits to be filed claiming cars’ modern wiring and manufacturers’ deep pockets are irresistible to rodents.

My advice: Be very afraid. It is always a good time to panic. Coronavirus, climate change, lakes rising … we can’t escape now because our cars are devoured by vermin.

The coup de grace came last week when a button buck crashed through the window of a Saginaw County Amigo store. Who knew deer initiation rites include breaking barriers between them and treating the whole herd to joyrides on fleets of scooters?

When I poked my nose of quarantine last week to stock up on toilet paper, the store clerk said he didn’t believe in coronavirus. He said it’s been made up by media.

Them and Democrats?

“How did you know?”

Who knew my powers of the press had enlarged to faking a world pandemic? What a cross to bear.

Thank God for ignorance. “Dad, you don’t get it,” my daughter says often. Fine. There is much I am glad I don’t get.

Take belief systems. It is one thing to say the media and politicians hype and inflame things — potheads, meet kettledrums. It sells eyeballs and votes. The coronavirus is sure to do wonders for our ad sales with all those events canceled. It’s another thing to deny evidence and data.

My friend Paul has one-upped me in taking precautions, sealing himself in an air-tight pod without access except for sign language, behind glass even bucks can’t break.

You didn’t ventilate this? I signed him.

“Too risky.”

You’re turning blue.

“You don’t look so happy either.”

Suffocation beats dying of coronavirus, I thought. Then again … Could EMTs talk him out of this?

“Sorry,” 911 said. “Our ambulances were eaten by rats.”

Can you send Amigos?

“Deer have them. Stop, Bambi!”

BAM!

This isn’t happening, I told myself. Media Democrats made it up … Wait, I’m a medium who’s not Democrat … Extra large, actually … Paul, you’re signing so loud it’s distracting me.

“I’m dying.”

At least it won’t be of coronavirus. Besides, it’s a hoax — or was until Friday, at least. Like the Holocaust …

Boing! Boing! Boing!

“What’s that?” Paul signed.

EMTs on pogo sticks. Wouldn’t bikes have been faster? I asked them.

“We tried. Couldn’t get past Saugatuck. All they care about there is safety. When we got to the sign on their side of the bridge that says ‘Bike Trail Ends,’ we had nowhere to go.”

But … pogo sticks?

“That’s enough,” Paul signed and unlocked from inside. “Whew,” he gasped.

“Don’t breathe deeply,” the EMTs said. “The loss of lives could be astronomical.”

“Who is responsible here?” asked Nancy Pelosi, who actually wasn’t asking.

How did you get here? I asked.

“Trump,” she answered herself.

“That’s as dumb as blaming Democrats and the media,” Paul said. “This is a virus any human can get.

What matters is how we deal — or do not deal — with it. How about we take time out from the back-and-forth and take care of each other?”

Pretty smart for a guy who just locked himself in an air-tight pod, I commended him. But there are bucks to be made out of fear.

“Button bucks?”

Selling facemasks, cleansers, hand sanitizers, toilet paper … let the gouging begin.

“I still want to know where Nancy Pelosi came from,” said Paul.

Same place as Cain’s wife, I said.