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Life as performance art

Life as performance art

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By Fr. G. Corwin Stoppel

As a boy I thought Halloween was a fun opportunity to collect free candy. A costume, loot container and parental warning to look both ways before crossing the street; that was it.

My sister dressed as a witch, which I thought matched her personality. I put on two baseball caps, one forward, the other backward, clenched a clay pipe in my mouth and, and presto-chango I was Sherlock Holmes. Maybe not, but I still got candy.

There’s been angst this year about costumes and adults doing their best to spoil the fun. A girl dressed like a Disney character, per their theory, was displaying white racist elitism. If boys or girls wore garb from a foreign country, they were racists because it was cultural appropriation. Boys who hopped on the old tradition of cowboys, Indians, policemen and so on? Ditto. Dressing up as a politician was apparently all right.

Had trick-or-treaters worn cassocks, round black hats and carried umbrellas like Father Brown, I’d have been impressed.

Now Halloween is behind us, let’s start the angst about Thanksgiving. We grew up with the image of happy pilgrims and Indians sitting down to a big turkey dinner, all friends together.

Now, as someone sniffed, it’s a “day of feasting to celebrate the eradication of an entire race of indigenous people.” Others pile on about eating meat or cry foul about the cage-raised fowls.

Not that we’ll have long to carry on that debate. By mid-afternoon on Thanksgiving Day, the holiday will end as shoppers scurry off to big-box stores hoping to be first in line to stampede through doors to get bargains for their holiday gifting.

By mid-morning Friday we’ll put that behind and settle down to the annual debate on whether stores should wish shoppers “happy holidays” or “merry Christmas.”

I’d advise you to get that debate over quickly. Just out of view is Planet X, sometimes called Nibiru, which is going to move close enough to Earth to touch off earthquakes, volcanoes and all sorts of nasty stuff.

According to “those who know,“ the true story is the CIA, FBI, NASA and even the Vatican are hiding this from us. All the “elites” have got their bunkers stocked and ready so they’ll survive.

Nov. 19 is the big day, they tell us. A volcano in the Canary Islands will blow up and send a tsunami 3,000 feet high that will sweep over coastal Europe. A little while later, volcanoes in the Pacific Ring of Fire will join in and make a mess out of Hawaii and the west coast.

After that, the Yellowstone Caldera will go bang and move us straight into a nuclear winter. Anyone who survives all of that can watch Niribu bump into the earth like an errant croquet ball.

I’m not making this stuff up. I got it all off of the Internet in 30 minutes. Given that, it must be true, right?

I’m not worried about his now because I’m trying to figure out a legitimate-sounding question to confound the telephone operator on the Butterball Hot Line.